The Nipples the Naked Ape

A new lecture by the Honorable Mera Te 'aI 'Enge ìite, Chief Scientific Officer of the Reptilian Starfleet

— Cadets, welcome to our new lesson today. This time, I have brought you this specimen. You know that we try to disturb the species we study as little as possible, so I have here a doll made by the Earthlings themselves. They call it “Lammily,” it has the characteristic that its body proportions are said to be the average for the region in which it was created; the Northern part of the area they call the “American Continent.”

Of course, you know that there are many varieties of the species we call “Naked Apes,” but I couldn’t find an equivalent doll for the worldwide proportions, nor for the several colors of their naked skin. But, for what we need to do, today, this doll will be enough to represent an average Naked Ape.

Now, we have already seen several characteristics that make this species peculiar; one is their naked skin; no scales, no hair — very peculiar. But we discussed that already. Today, I would ask you to take a careful look at this doll and tell me what your impression is. What do you find peculiar in this doll?

— Hmmm…. Meuianga. We have seen several images of those apes…

— This one…, yes… no hair, no scales, it is slightly disgusting, but it is one of them.

— A little rigid, but of course it is a doll… what’s so special?

— Come on, Cadets, you are being trained as keen observers. You have to do better than this. Let me give you a small hint. This creature is a mammal. What’s wrong with the way it is represented here?

— A mammal? Yes, of course, Meuianga, but…

— See…. what is your point Meuianga? You mean it has to do with these creatures being viviparous?

— You are nearly there, Cadet Pxaiäng te eteewwìp 'ayway'itan. It is a mammal. What’s missing?

— Ah… I see it! The belly button!

— Yes, the scar that they carry when they separate from their mother.

— Good, good. Cadet Aaeyi te miho ezìpx'ite. But, if you look carefully, there is a hint of a belly button in this doll. Weak, but it is there. I wanted you to note something else.

— Well, Meuianga, now that you made us notice that there is something missing… yes, it seems clear.

— Ah, yes, Meuianga, now we see that. Nipples! It has no nipples.

— Exactly that, Cadet ìlayäl te äzutxro 'ekäeplä'ite. Good!

— Well, Meuianga, that’s surprising. So, all male naked apes have no nipples?

— Oh, no. They do. All male mammals have nipples. Which, if you think about that, is strange.

— Indeed. Why do male mammals have them? They don’t use them.

— We read that male mammals never lactate their offspring. Is it true for Earth’s mammals?

— This story of lactating juveniles is a little disgusting. But why do only female mammals do that?

— Ah… Cadets, every detail about a living creature reveals a complex story. You saw in our previous lectures how natural selection helps explain many features of living beings. We learned that if something exists, it means it has a purpose. But male nipples, well, they are a different thing. According to the Apes’ scientific literature, human males can occasionally lactate, but that’s extremely rare. So, nipples have no physiological purpose in males. Think about that: how would a male endowed with nipples have higher survival chances than one without? And so there exist some features in living creatures that are truly “vestigial” — they have no purpose but exist because the embryo maintains the capability of creating them. The same mechanisms operate on male and female embryos, but in males they only create non-functional nipples. But they are there. Let me show a picture of a real male naked ape. You see, cadets, that the nipples are there, clearly visible.

— Then, Meuianga, why don’t show the nipples in the doll?

— It is a long story, Cadets. You see, the fat and the nipples are a female secondary sexual characteristics — their females show these features much more prominently.

— Meuianga, again, you are telling us about these secondary sexual characteristics. Do these apes think only of sex?

— In a sense, yes, cadet Illkxi te eworeyng käniaw'ite. You would understand that if you were viviparous.

— Argh… Meuianga, I don’t think I would ever want to be that!!!

— It is all right, Illxi, dear. every species has its habits and strangeness. If you are a viviparous female, though, you can give birth only to a small number of offspring. The Apes call it the “K-strategy.” It means you must care a lot about whom you are mating with. Hence, all this sex-signaling with those apes. As a female, you want to choose a good male.

— I want that too, Meuianga!

— Yes, of course, Illxi. But we are oviparous. It is a completely different story; we’ll discuss that more in another class. Today, just to finish the story, I want to show you another pictures. These ape-made dolls are called “Kens”

— Mmm… Meuianga. the proportions are quite different. The first one you showed us, the “Lammily” one, looks weaker.

— Yes, these males look, how to say? “Athletic.” Less fat, more muscles

— They also look a little dumb. They have this silly smile…

— But you wanted to show us something about those nipples, right, Meuianga? They are missing in these dolls, too!

— Yes, cadets. It is extremely difficult to find an ape-made doll with nipples. at least for dolls destined to juvenile apes. We get into the strange psychology of these creatures. And we’ll get to more in-depth later. For now, let me just tell you they are very sensitive about showing their sexual signals in public, and in particular when dealing with juveniles. That’s true for both primary and secondary sexual signals. So, apparently, male nipples fall with those signals they feel uneasy to show around. And, hence, these dolls don’t have them.

— Fascinating, Meuianga.

— This species is really mysterious in many respects.

— Difficult for us to understand. But fascinating.

— Cadets, you haven’t seen anything yet! You’ll be even more surprised when we’ll discuss the nipples of female apes. They are obsessed with that!

— We can’t wait, Meuianga!

— Yes, this story is a little disgusting, but fascinating!

— Very good, Cadets, this is the right attitude. So, that’s all for today, and may the Reptilian Federation rule justly and wisely!

— May the Federation rule!